The Sound of my Own Voice

As a child I sang often.  Like my own children, I made up songs while playing.  I sang in the children's choir at church.  I sang along to songs on the radio.  When I was just four-years-old I began singing solo at church. 

My singing voice was never a "big" voice.  Just quiet, but usually confident. 

For years I sang.

Sometime after my twentieth birthday, I stopped singing alone, especially in front of an audience of any size.  I would still sing along with the radio, or in a large group of people, but never alone.

I think, that without realizing it, I lost the sound of my own voice. 

It's a strange thing to lose the sound of your own voice, but I know I'm not alone. 

A few years ago, I saw an autobiographical show about the musician, Shania Twain.  As she told her story, I was struck by her words as she talked about being unable to sing.  She was a professional musician that relied on her vocal talents for her livelihood, and yet she couldn't sing.  She had vocal testing done and was found to be physically fine, but she said her spirit was so broken that she couldn't bear to make music with her voice.

So a couple of weeks ago, I found myself alone in the car.  (This is a very rare occasion when you're a homeschooling mom of four young children.  I'm not often alone anywhere.)  For more than an hour I drove in silence.  I didn't turn on the radio, because I wanted to be alone with my uninterrupted thoughts.

Maybe it's a little narcissistic, but I decided to use the voice memo on my phone and record myself singing the first song that came to mind.  It was a hymn that I sang as a child.

Then I pressed play, and I heard my own voice.  Still quiet, but confident.  The words I sang were truth.  The voice I sang with was much more grown up than I last remembered it sounding.  And it wasn't such a bad thing to hear.  It was refreshing.  It was honest.  It was for an audience of one.  And I think He responded with singing, too.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)